I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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