insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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