I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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