someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
