I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
