This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
