Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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