Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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