...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
