just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
