i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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