Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
