youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
