I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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