Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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