when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
