I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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