Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
