guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
