there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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