There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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