Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
