Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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