If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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