Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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