Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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