My friends, they love my intelligence
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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