Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
