Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
