The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We were destined to go to rehab together
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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