do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
