Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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