You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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