Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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