last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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