I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
