Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
