Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
