Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
