I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
