you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
