Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
