I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
