Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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