So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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