dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
