did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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