They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
