Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
