There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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