I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
