everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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