fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
