i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
