I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
