I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
