Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
did you just send me my own nude
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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