Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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